Dance

Drums beat out a rhythm,
Steady and slow.
That beat journeys
From the floor to my feet
Through my entire body,
Filling every pore,
Seeping out of my ears.

My heart unites to it,
Following its lead,
Thundering to the rhythm of song.

It hammers against my ribs,
And demands my feet to dance.
So they do.

Through the guitar,
The bass,
The keyboard,
I still feel my drums.
Still I'm under a spell to dance.

My hips join my feet,
And my shoulders and elbows and wrists.
They're all enchanted
By that simple, enticing rhythm,
Fueled by an electric current
Pouring from my veins
To every muscle that can move,
That can dance.

When the music fades,
So does the drumbeat.
My heart slows,
My feet stand still.
No more beat.
No more dancing.

Yet my heart still beats to a different tune,
A magic tune.
And somehow I know...

The music will never truly leave.

My Notes

A beginning and an end.
Fat notes and thin
Floating through the air,
Some without a care,
Some with a mission
To give us a vision.
Refusing to conform,
Our souls are reborn.

I love my notes
When they float,
For mine they truly are.
Release me from these bars.

Sweet notes floating,
Liberating, justifying,
Come to me,
Notes so free,
Help me survive,
Stay alive.

Gift Card

Walking the streets,
I spy a colorful plastic rectangle.
I pick it up,
Wipe off the dirt.
It's a gift card,
Twenty dollars for Old Navy.
So I walk there,
Card in pocket.
I stare through the window
And begin to go in,
Before I think of something.
Someone.
Turning around,
I head for the home of a little girl I know.
I feel my heart pounding with excitement,
With joy.

I finally arrive at the right house.
I take a deep breath,
Trying to calm my fluttering stomach.
I walk up the path
And I brush the bushes with my fingertips.
I quietly lift the lid of the rusted mailbox,
The only ornament on the dilapidated,
Well-loved face of the house.
I place the card inside and close it.
It's hinge squeaks a little.
I go home
And the next day I witness that little girl
In a brand new outfit,
A radiant smile upon her beautiful face.
That ecstasy is all I see.
All that matters.

I go home.
Crawl into bed.
And dream about magic.

Simple Things

Fancy clothes,
Expensive cars,
Diamonds,
Mansions.
Why?
It doesn't make you better.
It makes you forget the important things,
The simple things.
Laughing with a friend
Or singing in the shower.
A walk in the park,
The smell of rain.
The young flowers of spring,
The warmth of fire on a peaceful winter night.
The love of a pet,
Watching movies with your family,
Reading a good book,
Eating ice cream for dinner.
These are things that should matter.
Not how much money you have.

Where I'm From [(Class Assignment from two years ago)]

I am from nature,
From Hot Topic and fantasy worlds.
I am from the scented, the flowered, the cozy.
I am from the oak, the rose, the puffy clouds,
The cactus, the daisy, the bubbling brook,
Care-free and happy.
I am from prayer and love, from Rich and Jen.
I am from the defensive and thoughtful,
From honesty and consideration.
I am from God and His love.
I am from Old America, turkey and pasta,
From the Polish immigrants, the artful.
Albums and scrapbooks
That keep memories alive;
Always fading, never truly gone,
The thrive through the years.

Must Be Free

You've gone,
You're happy,
You need nothing else.
So let me be.

You're nothing special.
You have no hold on me.
Let me be!

You can't tell me what to do.
Don't pretend you have that right.
You're not my boss.
Or my friend.

You are nothing.

My words are my words.
My feelings are my feelings.

I'm trying to live my life.

If you have such a perfect one,
Like you claim,
Why don't you stay out of mine
And go live it?

Fresh Start

New school year.
Fresh start.
Blue hair.
Stay true to friends.
Avoid jerks.
Sleep well.
Focus on schoolwork.
Stay positive.
Look forward, not back.
Love God.
Love Jesus.

The Light

I thought I'd hit rock bottom.
But you'd do something to make me fall still further,
Just when I believed I could not possibly sink any lower.
And then -

You simply didn't matter anymore.
I found a foot hold,
Discovered myself rising above your opression.
I have seen the Light.
I don't need you,
I never have.

I want someone who cares,
Who accepts me as me,
Who lets me be happy.

And when asked if I will miss you,
I'll smile and say,
"Miss who?"

What's it Called?

I'm sitting in my room,
All alone.
I can't talk to you,
Heavens, no.
In the words of Evanescence,
"This pain is just too real,
These wounds won't seem to heal,
There's just too much
That time cannot erase."
I hate that you can make me feel like this,
Despise this permanent ache in my chest,
Long for the days filled with love,
Cry because I only want one thing...
What's it called?
Oh, yes:
Happiness.

Failure

Robotic.
I no longer feel anything.
Every smile, every laugh –
All faked for the benefit of others.
I don’t care about my happiness.
I can’t care about something
Which no longer exists.
I won’t care about myself.
I’ve tried to care.
I just cry.
Why should I love myself
When all I achieve
Is heartache,
Longing for the impossible,
Wishing for the past?
What is there to love?

I failed at making you happy.
Therefore…
I don’t deserve to be.

I Am Broken [(Class Assignment)]

I am skeptical and broken.

I wonder if my love will always be ignored.
I hear the fragile glass of my soul shattering.
I see beams of sunshine while personally lost in darkness.
I want to be rid of this suffocating lonliness.
I am skeptical and broken.

I pretend to smile and laugh and be happy.
I feel the realm of reality slipping through my desperate grasp.
I touch his muscular arm...in my memory.
I worry that I'm going to lose him altogether.
I cry for things long gone, for the bleakness of my future.
I am skeptical and broken.

I understand he cares about me in some way.
I say, "It's okay; I just want you to be happy."
I dream of his love, gone from me, given to another.
I try to give myself one good reason to let him go.
I hope I can...some day.
I am skeptical and broken.

Loveless

Thoughts whirl around in my brain
Of you
And her -
Together.

I long to hate you both.
I won't.
I can't -
Impossible.

All alone in this bitter darkness,
I'm sobbing
And broken.
Unwanted.

I want you to love me.
You don't,
I know.
Useless.

I miss you, but who cares?
Not you.
Not her.
Nobody.

In Darkness

Alone
In darkness.
Empty
Of thought.
Alone.
Empty.
Unwanted.

Love lost.
No good
Remembering.
Only hurt,
Regret
To be gained
In thinking of then.

Promises
Broken.
Lies
Take thier place.
No longer wanted.
Was I ever?
I doubt that.

Alone
For life.
Empty
In heart,
Mind,
Spirit.
All alone.

Relief

I wake,
Remembering.
I wish to forget.
I lay a moment,
Weak,
Disoriented,
Overwhelmed.
Pain rips through me,
Destroying both mind
And spirit.

Slowly,
I remember
How to forget.

I reach slowly,
Quietly,
Into my nightstand.
And slowly,
Quietly,
I retrieve My Helper,
My Only Friend,
A knife.
Glittering in the dull,
White moonlight,
It radiates
With a sense of purpose.
This is what it lives for.

Pressing the gleaming,
Eager tip
To a pulsing,
Pale blue vein,
Gasping at the sharp bite,
I marvel at the feeling.
The newness of an outward pain.
Physical pain.

I study a small river of crimson,
Slowly swelling.
It rolls down my paper-thin skin.
Under my curious gaze,
It slowly,
Purposefully spreads,
Dries,
Turns dark with age.

I sigh,
Relieved,
Exhausted.
I clean My Friend,
Getting him ready
For when I need
The pain again.

I peacefully drift off to sleep,
A smile on my lips.

Don't Leave

I sit in my room, tears running down my face
I can't breathe because I've fallen from your grace
I think about you and your strange new anger
I pray your dissapointment won't linger

Please don't leave me here all alone
Don't leave me where I'm so unknown
You're the only one for me
And I'm sorry, baby
I love you
I need you
I'm so lost without you here
I can't be me without you near

I know what I did, and I did you wrong
I know you're upset, but together we belong
I know I messed up, I know I hurt you awfully
And I'm very sorry that I treated you so badly

Please don't leave me here all alone
Don't leave me where I'm so unknown
You're the only one for me
And I'm sorry, baby
I love you
I need you
I'm so lost without you here
I can't be me without you near

Honey, I need you to know
I just can not go solo
Darling, I need you to hear
The regret in a single tear

Please don't leave me here all alone
Don't leave me where I'm so unknown
You're the only one for me
And I'm sorry, baby
I love you
I need you
I'm so lost without you here
I can't be me without you near

Without you near
My dear

-------> Update

Just a note to you readers:

I've rewritten the following poems:
*H-E-L-P, January '09
*Remembrance (formerly I've Remembered), September '08
*Alone, November '08

Also, I've posted the original version of Absence and Presence, called Seclusion, under October '08.

He's Gone

My world has turned to gray -
Your smokey frame melds into the darkness.
She is lost,
But you don't care.
I know it's "her fault," but you could've been...
Gentler, I suppose.
What purpose does it serve to stomp around,
Give people the silent treatment,
Be the one to give a relationship its bad name?
And the thing that hurts worse,
Besides you tearing her apart,
Is that you never said good-bye.
Am I that unimportant to you?
Do you care that little?
Did you forget that we've been a part of each other's lives
For three, four years?
Were you really that unhappy with your life?
So unhappy, in fact, that you disregarded my feelings
And disappeared forever?
Well, good-bye:
I'll be the one to say it.
Good-bye,
And good-riddance.

Suffocation

I feel blank.
My emotions are gone,
Nowhere to be found,
Running away.
Or maybe I'm the one running,
Running from them,
From everyone and everything.
I'm blocking my emotions out,
But I need them to come in.
Can I truely call them mine?
If I cannot feel them?
I don't want them;
Yet I'm not me without them.
I need to be able to feel afraid.
I can feel the tears burning,
But my emptiness forbids them to leave.
I'm suffocating under the pressure -
So much pressure! -
The pressure to be perfect,
The pressure to obey,
The pressure of childhood -
A childhood long gone.
They'd be so disappointed.
I'm down on my knees,
Begging and pleading
For thought and emotion
Once more.
I'll do anything...

H-E-L-P

To other people,
I seem fine.
No one bothers looking deeper,
They don't care.

I'm not okay.
I'm scared I'll be lost,
Be left standing alone
In the darkness.

I'm lonely as he passes,
Not looking,
As he is looking
At another.

I'm drifting.
I'm filled with a longing,
A need,
A desperation.

Someone see me
Hear me.
Become aware.
It's urgent someone realize.

My heart is tearing,
Unable to be mended,
Incapable of hanging on
To the last shred of its sanity.

I cry out silently
With my very soul.
Although it is mangled
Beyond recognition.

It's tortured, screaming,
Yet still begging
With all its got.
Still pleading.

Someone...
Anyone...
Help.