What's it Called?

I'm sitting in my room,
All alone.
I can't talk to you,
Heavens, no.
In the words of Evanescence,
"This pain is just too real,
These wounds won't seem to heal,
There's just too much
That time cannot erase."
I hate that you can make me feel like this,
Despise this permanent ache in my chest,
Long for the days filled with love,
Cry because I only want one thing...
What's it called?
Oh, yes:
Happiness.

Failure

Robotic.
I no longer feel anything.
Every smile, every laugh –
All faked for the benefit of others.
I don’t care about my happiness.
I can’t care about something
Which no longer exists.
I won’t care about myself.
I’ve tried to care.
I just cry.
Why should I love myself
When all I achieve
Is heartache,
Longing for the impossible,
Wishing for the past?
What is there to love?

I failed at making you happy.
Therefore…
I don’t deserve to be.

I Am Broken [(Class Assignment)]

I am skeptical and broken.

I wonder if my love will always be ignored.
I hear the fragile glass of my soul shattering.
I see beams of sunshine while personally lost in darkness.
I want to be rid of this suffocating lonliness.
I am skeptical and broken.

I pretend to smile and laugh and be happy.
I feel the realm of reality slipping through my desperate grasp.
I touch his muscular arm...in my memory.
I worry that I'm going to lose him altogether.
I cry for things long gone, for the bleakness of my future.
I am skeptical and broken.

I understand he cares about me in some way.
I say, "It's okay; I just want you to be happy."
I dream of his love, gone from me, given to another.
I try to give myself one good reason to let him go.
I hope I can...some day.
I am skeptical and broken.

Loveless

Thoughts whirl around in my brain
Of you
And her -
Together.

I long to hate you both.
I won't.
I can't -
Impossible.

All alone in this bitter darkness,
I'm sobbing
And broken.
Unwanted.

I want you to love me.
You don't,
I know.
Useless.

I miss you, but who cares?
Not you.
Not her.
Nobody.

In Darkness

Alone
In darkness.
Empty
Of thought.
Alone.
Empty.
Unwanted.

Love lost.
No good
Remembering.
Only hurt,
Regret
To be gained
In thinking of then.

Promises
Broken.
Lies
Take thier place.
No longer wanted.
Was I ever?
I doubt that.

Alone
For life.
Empty
In heart,
Mind,
Spirit.
All alone.

Relief

I wake,
Remembering.
I wish to forget.
I lay a moment,
Weak,
Disoriented,
Overwhelmed.
Pain rips through me,
Destroying both mind
And spirit.

Slowly,
I remember
How to forget.

I reach slowly,
Quietly,
Into my nightstand.
And slowly,
Quietly,
I retrieve My Helper,
My Only Friend,
A knife.
Glittering in the dull,
White moonlight,
It radiates
With a sense of purpose.
This is what it lives for.

Pressing the gleaming,
Eager tip
To a pulsing,
Pale blue vein,
Gasping at the sharp bite,
I marvel at the feeling.
The newness of an outward pain.
Physical pain.

I study a small river of crimson,
Slowly swelling.
It rolls down my paper-thin skin.
Under my curious gaze,
It slowly,
Purposefully spreads,
Dries,
Turns dark with age.

I sigh,
Relieved,
Exhausted.
I clean My Friend,
Getting him ready
For when I need
The pain again.

I peacefully drift off to sleep,
A smile on my lips.

Don't Leave

I sit in my room, tears running down my face
I can't breathe because I've fallen from your grace
I think about you and your strange new anger
I pray your dissapointment won't linger

Please don't leave me here all alone
Don't leave me where I'm so unknown
You're the only one for me
And I'm sorry, baby
I love you
I need you
I'm so lost without you here
I can't be me without you near

I know what I did, and I did you wrong
I know you're upset, but together we belong
I know I messed up, I know I hurt you awfully
And I'm very sorry that I treated you so badly

Please don't leave me here all alone
Don't leave me where I'm so unknown
You're the only one for me
And I'm sorry, baby
I love you
I need you
I'm so lost without you here
I can't be me without you near

Honey, I need you to know
I just can not go solo
Darling, I need you to hear
The regret in a single tear

Please don't leave me here all alone
Don't leave me where I'm so unknown
You're the only one for me
And I'm sorry, baby
I love you
I need you
I'm so lost without you here
I can't be me without you near

Without you near
My dear

-------> Update

Just a note to you readers:

I've rewritten the following poems:
*H-E-L-P, January '09
*Remembrance (formerly I've Remembered), September '08
*Alone, November '08

Also, I've posted the original version of Absence and Presence, called Seclusion, under October '08.

He's Gone

My world has turned to gray -
Your smokey frame melds into the darkness.
She is lost,
But you don't care.
I know it's "her fault," but you could've been...
Gentler, I suppose.
What purpose does it serve to stomp around,
Give people the silent treatment,
Be the one to give a relationship its bad name?
And the thing that hurts worse,
Besides you tearing her apart,
Is that you never said good-bye.
Am I that unimportant to you?
Do you care that little?
Did you forget that we've been a part of each other's lives
For three, four years?
Were you really that unhappy with your life?
So unhappy, in fact, that you disregarded my feelings
And disappeared forever?
Well, good-bye:
I'll be the one to say it.
Good-bye,
And good-riddance.

Suffocation

I feel blank.
My emotions are gone,
Nowhere to be found,
Running away.
Or maybe I'm the one running,
Running from them,
From everyone and everything.
I'm blocking my emotions out,
But I need them to come in.
Can I truely call them mine?
If I cannot feel them?
I don't want them;
Yet I'm not me without them.
I need to be able to feel afraid.
I can feel the tears burning,
But my emptiness forbids them to leave.
I'm suffocating under the pressure -
So much pressure! -
The pressure to be perfect,
The pressure to obey,
The pressure of childhood -
A childhood long gone.
They'd be so disappointed.
I'm down on my knees,
Begging and pleading
For thought and emotion
Once more.
I'll do anything...