Gift Card

Walking the streets,
I spy a colorful plastic rectangle.
I pick it up,
Wipe off the dirt.
It's a gift card,
Twenty dollars for Old Navy.
So I walk there,
Card in pocket.
I stare through the window
And begin to go in,
Before I think of something.
Someone.
Turning around,
I head for the home of a little girl I know.
I feel my heart pounding with excitement,
With joy.

I finally arrive at the right house.
I take a deep breath,
Trying to calm my fluttering stomach.
I walk up the path
And I brush the bushes with my fingertips.
I quietly lift the lid of the rusted mailbox,
The only ornament on the dilapidated,
Well-loved face of the house.
I place the card inside and close it.
It's hinge squeaks a little.
I go home
And the next day I witness that little girl
In a brand new outfit,
A radiant smile upon her beautiful face.
That ecstasy is all I see.
All that matters.

I go home.
Crawl into bed.
And dream about magic.

Simple Things

Fancy clothes,
Expensive cars,
Diamonds,
Mansions.
Why?
It doesn't make you better.
It makes you forget the important things,
The simple things.
Laughing with a friend
Or singing in the shower.
A walk in the park,
The smell of rain.
The young flowers of spring,
The warmth of fire on a peaceful winter night.
The love of a pet,
Watching movies with your family,
Reading a good book,
Eating ice cream for dinner.
These are things that should matter.
Not how much money you have.

Where I'm From [(Class Assignment from two years ago)]

I am from nature,
From Hot Topic and fantasy worlds.
I am from the scented, the flowered, the cozy.
I am from the oak, the rose, the puffy clouds,
The cactus, the daisy, the bubbling brook,
Care-free and happy.
I am from prayer and love, from Rich and Jen.
I am from the defensive and thoughtful,
From honesty and consideration.
I am from God and His love.
I am from Old America, turkey and pasta,
From the Polish immigrants, the artful.
Albums and scrapbooks
That keep memories alive;
Always fading, never truly gone,
The thrive through the years.

Must Be Free

You've gone,
You're happy,
You need nothing else.
So let me be.

You're nothing special.
You have no hold on me.
Let me be!

You can't tell me what to do.
Don't pretend you have that right.
You're not my boss.
Or my friend.

You are nothing.

My words are my words.
My feelings are my feelings.

I'm trying to live my life.

If you have such a perfect one,
Like you claim,
Why don't you stay out of mine
And go live it?

Fresh Start

New school year.
Fresh start.
Blue hair.
Stay true to friends.
Avoid jerks.
Sleep well.
Focus on schoolwork.
Stay positive.
Look forward, not back.
Love God.
Love Jesus.

The Light

I thought I'd hit rock bottom.
But you'd do something to make me fall still further,
Just when I believed I could not possibly sink any lower.
And then -

You simply didn't matter anymore.
I found a foot hold,
Discovered myself rising above your opression.
I have seen the Light.
I don't need you,
I never have.

I want someone who cares,
Who accepts me as me,
Who lets me be happy.

And when asked if I will miss you,
I'll smile and say,
"Miss who?"

What's it Called?

I'm sitting in my room,
All alone.
I can't talk to you,
Heavens, no.
In the words of Evanescence,
"This pain is just too real,
These wounds won't seem to heal,
There's just too much
That time cannot erase."
I hate that you can make me feel like this,
Despise this permanent ache in my chest,
Long for the days filled with love,
Cry because I only want one thing...
What's it called?
Oh, yes:
Happiness.

Failure

Robotic.
I no longer feel anything.
Every smile, every laugh –
All faked for the benefit of others.
I don’t care about my happiness.
I can’t care about something
Which no longer exists.
I won’t care about myself.
I’ve tried to care.
I just cry.
Why should I love myself
When all I achieve
Is heartache,
Longing for the impossible,
Wishing for the past?
What is there to love?

I failed at making you happy.
Therefore…
I don’t deserve to be.

I Am Broken [(Class Assignment)]

I am skeptical and broken.

I wonder if my love will always be ignored.
I hear the fragile glass of my soul shattering.
I see beams of sunshine while personally lost in darkness.
I want to be rid of this suffocating lonliness.
I am skeptical and broken.

I pretend to smile and laugh and be happy.
I feel the realm of reality slipping through my desperate grasp.
I touch his muscular arm...in my memory.
I worry that I'm going to lose him altogether.
I cry for things long gone, for the bleakness of my future.
I am skeptical and broken.

I understand he cares about me in some way.
I say, "It's okay; I just want you to be happy."
I dream of his love, gone from me, given to another.
I try to give myself one good reason to let him go.
I hope I can...some day.
I am skeptical and broken.

Loveless

Thoughts whirl around in my brain
Of you
And her -
Together.

I long to hate you both.
I won't.
I can't -
Impossible.

All alone in this bitter darkness,
I'm sobbing
And broken.
Unwanted.

I want you to love me.
You don't,
I know.
Useless.

I miss you, but who cares?
Not you.
Not her.
Nobody.