Suffocation

I feel blank.
My emotions are gone,
Nowhere to be found,
Running away.
Or maybe I'm the one running,
Running from them,
From everyone and everything.
I'm blocking my emotions out,
But I need them to come in.
Can I truely call them mine?
If I cannot feel them?
I don't want them;
Yet I'm not me without them.
I need to be able to feel afraid.
I can feel the tears burning,
But my emptiness forbids them to leave.
I'm suffocating under the pressure -
So much pressure! -
The pressure to be perfect,
The pressure to obey,
The pressure of childhood -
A childhood long gone.
They'd be so disappointed.
I'm down on my knees,
Begging and pleading
For thought and emotion
Once more.
I'll do anything...

H-E-L-P

To other people,
I seem fine.
No one bothers looking deeper,
They don't care.

I'm not okay.
I'm scared I'll be lost,
Be left standing alone
In the darkness.

I'm lonely as he passes,
Not looking,
As he is looking
At another.

I'm drifting.
I'm filled with a longing,
A need,
A desperation.

Someone see me
Hear me.
Become aware.
It's urgent someone realize.

My heart is tearing,
Unable to be mended,
Incapable of hanging on
To the last shred of its sanity.

I cry out silently
With my very soul.
Although it is mangled
Beyond recognition.

It's tortured, screaming,
Yet still begging
With all its got.
Still pleading.

Someone...
Anyone...
Help.

Absence and Presence

Black.
The absence of all color.
The absence of all emotion.
The absence of anything and of everything.
I have a color,
A color uniquely me.
A mix of burning red,
Depthless blue
And soaring yellow.
A mix of palest pink
And fragile white.
When you left,
You - my world, my existence,
When you left me,
My life-
Without you-
Could be defined by only one color.
Black.
And then you came back!
All my color returned to me
In a single, heart-stopping second.
My color,
Just right for me,
Which is dead without you,
Which kills me when it is gone,
It returned to me.
My soul has been found once more.

A Feeling

I may be the only thing
Worth everything I demand in return:
Bravery and sacrifice and commitment.
Forgiveness and compassion and faith.
What am I?
I may be the only thing
Worth everything if I go wrong:
Regret and sorrow and tears.
Brokenheartedness and loss.
Can you guess yet?
I may be the only thing
Worth my weight in gold,
Worth taking chances for,
Worth all I put you through.
Do you give up?
I'll tell what I am,
Why I am worth so much.
I am the best feeling in the world.
I am the feeling of love.

Alone

Alone
And unknown.
Forsaken
And shaken...
This is what creates me.

Shouts
And doubts.
Mistrust
And disgust...
This is what enfeebles me.

Sighing
And crying.
Depression
And aggression...
This is what destroys me.

A friend
To mend
The pain
And strain...
This is what I am longing for.

Seclusion

Black.
The absence of all color.
The absence of all emotion.
The absence of anything
And of everything.

I had a color,
I color uniquely me.
A mix of passionate red,
Soothing blue,
And joyous yellow.

And now, you -
My world -
My existence -
Now you are gone.
My life,
So cold and bitter,
Can now be defined by one color alone...

Black.

My color,
Just right for me,
Has disappeared,
Smothered by the blackness.
It has ceased to exist.
Just like that.
It's killing me to be

Absent
Of all
Color.

Remembrance

I always thought of you,
But now I rarely do.

I always cried looking back,
But now I laugh instead.

My heart used to be in constant pain,
But now it seems rebirthed.

I was in love with you.
I will always love you.
There's a subtle difference
Between loving and being in love.
I've discovered that fine line.

So finally,
I remember.
I remember how to forget.
How to be myself.
How much my family
And my friends mean to me.

I can remember not to lose myself
I'm seizing onto my heart and soul
And never letting go again.
Most importantly,
I remember this:

I remember how to be...

Happy.

Hate and Love

I never want to see again.
You make me so outraged!
You hurt my pride.
You took me for granted...
And you mangled my heart.
It feels so incredibly fragile,
Like it's bound together
By a flimsy strip of duct tape.
But every time I think of you,
My heart beats wildly,
My stomach twist and turns,
I can hardly breathe:
But you found someone else.
You love her, not me,
And I love you, no one else -
Futility to the highest degree.
What gives you this right, to play with my heart?
Who do you think you are, to put me through this?
How can you do this to me, like I mean nothing?
Where in the world is it okay to hurt someone, to fake affection?
When will I be free, from you and from all this pain?
But most of all...
why can't I decide between love and hate,
Hate and love?

Friends

Everything is right with my world.
While we were fighting,
I felt that world falling apart.
I felt...
Displaced,
Detached,
Surreal.
It was like one long nightmare
Where I couldn't wake up.
But now we're both forgiven,
And I've returned to my life.
My life -
Where I never yell
Or glare
Or ignore.
My life -
Where I'd rather laugh
And talk
And smile.
My life -
The life I love to lead.
My life -
Where you are my friend.

It Takes Time

You have to give me time.
Not a lot,
But I do need some.
I can't forgive you right away.
You really hurt me.
You made me miserable.
What you said
And what you did -
Well, not everyone would forgive you.
I want to, though.
I really do.
But I need a little time,
So I can.
Please don't be mad.
Please don't give up on me.
Please don't think I'm a lost cause.
It takes time
For the heart to mend.
It takes time
For your words to seem
as if they were never uttered.
It takes time
For people to forget.
It takes time.